And the Nominees for New Pope are…

Pope Benedict XVI’s abdication made him the first pope to leave the holy office alive in almost 600 years. Now the Papal Conclave to elect Benedict’s successor has begun. The cardinals have locked themselves into the Vatican for deliberation. As the world waits for white smoke to emerge from the Vatican chimneys, I’d like to make a few perhaps unconventional suggestions. Now I understand that SlackPost probably doesn’t have many men of the cloth among its readership. But on the off chance that some cardinal sneaks out of the Conclave to check Champions League scores and see if SlackPost has put up any new articles, here are some names worth floating around:

Joel Osteen


Don’t be fooled by his goodie-two-shoes looks; Joel Osteen rocks megachurches harder than Beyoncé rocked the Superdome for the Super Bowl XLVII Halftime Show. And unlike other televangelists, he’s scandal free. Look at that golden boy face. He doesn’t have to scream and flail wildly to fill you with the Lord’s power. He won’t confuse you with winding parables or a language that’s been dead for centuries. He’ll just smile his gentle Pope Osteen smile, maybe run a hand through his perfect hair, and sum up a nice Bible story in the real language of God — American. Those pearly whites, shining like a beacon, will bring the blinding light of the Lord to the darkest corners of the Earth.

Chris Hansen


Excited for a game of Find the Eucharist Wafer in My Robes with altarboycutie12? Watch out! Because with Pope Chris Hansen, you’re not getting transferred to diddle kids in another diocese. You’re on To Catch a Predator, and your ass is excommunicated… and probably learning some new games from your cellmate. Don’t bother telling the guards. They’re Swiss after all. Also, they dress like medieval court jesters. Does this guy look like he can help you?


… maybe with directions to the Colosseum.

With Pope Chris Hansen, parents can be sure their children are safe in church.



I mean come on, it’s Oprah. She’ll double the Vatican’s net worth as well as its loyal following. And being Pope would bring her ever closer to an already inevitable sainthood.

Mitt Romney


Romney recently went on record saying that it kills him not to be in the White House. But screw big white mansions. President Obama might call upon the firepower of drones, but Pope Mitt can call upon the smiting hand of God. Why pander to an electorate of poor minorities looking for a handout when you can get elected by old white men pimped out in gold and velvet, when you can be the supreme ruler of your very own city-state (not to mention billions of people around the world)? Pope Mitt’s all about deductions, not taxes. He can balance the budget without squeezing the middle class.  All he asks for is your kind donation, your kind tax-deductible donation. Mitt could be the most meme-worthy religious leader of all time!

Daniel Day-Lewis


The pope needs to instill faith, to make people believe. Who better than someone with a most uncanny ability to suspend disbelief? With a holy trinity of Best Actor Oscars (an unrivaled feat), Daniel Day-Lewis can’t do much more in Hollywood. How is he supposed to top winning an Oscar for a role as iconic as Abraham Lincoln? I’ll tell you how. Daniel Day-Lewis can pull off the greatest method acting job of all time — being Pope.  Although he risks getting typecast and being stuck playing the role until he dies.

Vladimir Putin


As everyone already knows, Putin is a badass and basically owns Russia. The only possible way for him to tighten his macho hold on the world at large would be to  bully his way  be elected to the papacy. Just think about it; being Pope would be so unequivocally badass that it would fit perfectly with Putin’s persona. It makes so much sense in the logic of awesome that it has to happen. And once it does, know that anything will be fair game. Will Pope Vlad deliver Easter Mass shirtless? Or wearing a Hercules lion cloak that’s actually a real live lion? Will he give entire speeches with his pope hat on fire? Will he order his cronies to un-bulletproof the Popemobile so he can stop bullets his own damn self? Will he turn St. Peter’s Square into a bear wrestling ring? Will he fire replicas of his papal gown into crowds with a newly invented Popecannon? Will he travel by nuclear Popemarine?


… Answer: all of the above.

Giorgio Tsoukalos


People look to religious leaders for the answers to life’s greatest mysteries. Where do we come from? Why are we here? Giorgio Tsoukalos of the History Channel’s Ancient Aliens has the answer. It’s aliens.  Does your Bible have too many footnotes that still don’t explain impossible-sounding things? Buy Pope Giorgio’s annotated Bible. There’s only one  footnote, and it explains everything!Alien Face EmblemSadly, the Pope hat will cover Giorgio’s glorious hair, but St. Peter’s Square can finally be used for its original purpose — UFO landing pad bitches! Don’t you want a Pope that can explain what the fuck was going on in Prometheus? Got a problem with the Vatican amassing so much damn gold while billions of people are poor and hungry? You just don’t get it. Break it down for them, Pope Giorgio. Aliens came to Earth to mine gold, so the Vatican is just holding it for them. And I’m not saying Jesus was an alien, but Jesus was an alien.


Ray Lewis


Ray Lewis has been the voice of God in the NFL since back when Benedict was just Cardinal-Bishop Joseph Ratzinger. Ray’s press conferences show how much he loves Jesus, and his two Super Bowl rings show how much Jesus loves him. It’s no accident that Pope Benedict announced his abdication a mere week after Ray’s retirement.  No one pumps up crowds like Ray Lewis. Plus he knows all the coolest lines of scripture like “no weapon formed against me shall prosper.” He steps out of the Popemobile, does the Squirrel Dance while the world’s Catholics rejoice, and Christ descends from the sky to chest bump Pope Ray! Oh and those murders Ray might have been involved with years ago? Young Joe Ratzinger played with his friends like this


… so I think Ray gets a pass.

Forget white smoke. Watch for purple and black smoke!

One response to “And the Nominees for New Pope are…

  1. Pingback: The Greatest Disappointments of the Year Thus Far | SlackPost·

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